The stories we tell, and the words we write
by CrazieAuthor
Summary: Dan and Phil dated awhile back in 2009 and all the way to 2012 but after the great no-homo-Howell explosion in '12 they split up. Now its 2017 and they still have feelings for each other but rather than risk it through the years they've written a series of 'fanfictions' about each other. Here's their chronicles, and eventually their reactions.
1. The passive aggressive break up - Dan H

These are obviously not written by the real Dan or Phil but hey imagine they are. Every chapter will be denoted who they are written by and when it's eventually the fic part that's not written about them it will also be denoted, enjoy!

Also I don't own Dan or Phil they are their own people, Enjoy for real this time!

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 _Posted: By ExistensialGreyLad May 15_ _th_ _, 2012. 12:02 pm Standard British time._

When it happened I didn't know how to feel, I wanted to _scream_ , I wanted to _shout_ , I wanted to throttle him. it wasn't fair I couldn't help how I felt I _couldn't_ help that I didn't want the world to know, I _couldn't_ help that I was _afraid._ So I did the next best thing I had an existential crisis the moment he left the flat. He was the greatest thing that had ever wandered into his life and he left me.

I remained on the floor for god knows how long, I left my mind to wander. I silently screamed angrily, it's not fair, for him to leave me like this, it wasn't my fault his video got released, and besides I'd just been reacting like any normal person would, how was it my fault that others would react the way they did, I just tweeted them back telling them that they were wrong, what did Phil know. It like he didn't even want to defend himself.

It wasn't my fault I screamed and shouted into my pillow after I eventually dragged myself off of the floor and fell onto my bed with a creak. I punched my pillow, again and again and again, I pounded the pillow tears streaming hotly on my face, snot dribbling out of my nose. I clutched my face my stubby chewed nails biting into my forehead I scratched weakly down wanting to half-heartedly rip all of my face off.

I turned and looked around my grey dark room, a room previously shared with- no I have to move on, but at the same time I didn't want to. I wanted to dwell and remain, I looked at a little knick-knack on my shelf, it was the self that the camera never saw, it was an angle that no fan got to see, and tucked in the corner was a rock.

It was just a plain boring basic rock, it was like me, plain and boring, and the only man that could ever see the beauty in either the rock or me was gone. He'd return eventually, he'd come back to the flat but at some point he'd leave. My now ex- boyfriend was out the door, he had one foot out, he was fed up with my shit.

Suddenly I fell down, I realized with a heavy heart that this wasn't his fault it was mine I had failed him and our relationship, I had gone an ruined the beautiful thing we had. _I_ had ruined it, screaming into my pillow clutching the basic boring rock close to my chest I wanted to crawl into a hole and physically not exist for a few hours.

First my parents now Phil, I had no one, I Daniel James Howell was alone and it was all _my_ stupid fault.

Eventually I crawled my ass out of bed, my curly sloppy hobbit hair no doubt a mess on my head, as I pulled my laptop out. I ended up crawling back onto the bed but for an hour I wrote, and I wrote and I wrote how I felt and the moments I'd just experienced and I just wrote it down until it was out of my system. Eventually I'd edit this crap, and fix the errors and shorten it, but for now it's is going to sit on my laptop and dwell like me.

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 _Edited: May 20_ _th_ _2012 3:48 pm Standard British time._

 _200 views, 3 favorites, 0 comments._


	2. Depressed break up fight- Phil L

_Posted: By TheLonelyLion May 18_ _th_ _2012_

"We can't do this anymore, Dan," I said facing my boyfriend on the couch.

"Can't do what? What do you mean?" Dan asked fear in his voice, he didn't want this as much as I didn't.

"W-we can't do _this_ ," I said gesturing to us.

"P-Phil," he stuttered at me," What do you mean?" he asked tears threatening to spill out of his face too, he knew what I meant, we both did, but we couldn't pretend it wasn't true.

"WE have to stop _this_ ," I said," we're either fighting or fucking, Dan!" I said letting a curse slip," and then there's the tweets!" I exclaimed the tears spilling down my cheeks, I still loved him.

It sucked because we still loved each other, but we couldn't keep this up, I knew that, he knew that, deep down, but we couldn't keep it deep down anymore.

"Ph-Phil," Dan said his voice cracking," please, you d-don't mean this?"

"But I do Dan," I said," we can't keep hiding, it sucks that the video came out, and I'm sorry your parents are the way they are, but we have to stop this," I said referring to how his parents reacted to Dan's Bisexuality.

"Phil, please," he said clenching his fists around his shirt hem as he tugged at it," I-I can't help it! I-I can change, eventually. W-we can fix this, please," he said tears streaming down his face. I almost wish he was shouting… that would make this easier, if only he was angry words flying from his mouth, but Dan wasn't like that, he'd get angry but he still had a level head.

His tears broke my heart, his face made me double take, his broken, brown eyes made me want to take it all back, to just cuddle him and envelope him in my arms for a few hours, I wanted to forget the events of the week just for a moment, but it was too late.

"I-I'm sorry Dan, w-we're through," I said, grabbing my keys and walking out of the apartment.

I didn't go far, I thought- I _feared_ he'd follow me, I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep this up. So the second I hit the hall I fell down to the floor and leaned on the door. It hurt, my heart hurt, I ached all over, all of me wanted to just not exist, It wasn't fair, but I couldn't keep this up. He knew that, I knew that, we had to stop this while we could, to fix the damage, eventually we could be friends, maybe one day we could be okay… that would have to be enough, I thought as I leaned against the door of our flat at one in the morning listening to my now ex-boyfriend sob and move around the flat as he knock things around in a depressive state.

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 _148 views, 2 likes, 1 comment._

 _Anonymous: this would never happen._


	3. Healing- Dan H

Posted: By ExistensialGreyLad November 29th 2012 4:03 am Standard British time.

I still lingered, I still looked at him like he was my world, we still did videos together… just less often. I still waffled around like an idiot, I still missed him, I still lied to the fans, to my family, but not to myself.

If this bloody awful breakup had taught me anything, it's that I was an idiot that fucked it all up.

The fans noticed, of course those detectives noticed, it was only about a week before fics about our break-up were posted, they were all him leaving me, they were at least right in that respect. But they glossed over the main problem, like Phil told me, we either fight or we fuck there was no in between.

I thought back to a little less than a year ago, we'd been on the balcony, it had just rained and the asphalt was damp but we didn't care, we were bundled up in my duvet the sun was setting but because of the awkward position of the ledge we could barely see the sun. but once the light was all gone we peered up at the stars and talked.

That was it, we just waffled on and talked about nothing, we drank some old wine we'd uncorked about a month ago, and had some leftover nuked stir fry in our Tupperware containers. We fed each other mouthfuls and just talked, it was nice, it was comfortable.

"Ever wonder where we'll be in five years?" Phil asked me jarring me out of my gaze at his glowing face.

"Well, you'll probably still be stealing my cereal," I said nudging him jokingly.

Phil laughed, covering his mouth like he always did, like he still does.

"What do you think we'll be doing?"

"Probably YouTube," I responded with a shrug not really caring, I still thought we'd be together for forever, so I didn't think about the future, I just stared lovingly at his face.

"What about us?" Phil asked his smirk permanently etched on his face in joy.

"Well I dunno about you," I said with a smirk." But I plan to stay with you for a long time."

Phil laid down on the duvet and looked up at the stars, I followed suit, my face turned to look at his," I mean like," Phil blushed and stuttered," W-what if we, got married- or something," he had looked down at his hands nervously, as he waited for my response.

"Weeeell," I said dragging out the word, resting my chin on his chest," I'm sure we could do an or something," I teased him with a rare sense of confidence.

"Oh, shut up!" he said lightly pushing me until he was resting his head on my chest. There was laughter in his tone, and then we kissed, that night we silently agreed that eventually we'd get married that was the plan, there was no real reason for it, we just secretly agreed without a word that we'd get married and get a dog. But that was gone now, it's been six months and nothing has happened, we still haven't gotten back together… Maybe we never will. Maybe it was never meant to be. But we've gotten to the point where we can talk to each other it's still very tense though… maybe eventually we can be friends again.

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Edited: November 29th 2012 6: 09 am Standard British time. 175 views, 4 likes, 2 comments.

Anonymous: I'm crying :'((

TheLonelyLion: please, this is too real…


	4. Christmas- Phil L

_Posted: by TheLonelyLion December 26_ _th_ _2012 4:56 pm Standard British Time._

I haven't seen him in a while now… we both went to family Christmas parties. He still has to fix things with his family, mine keeps asking me if I'm okay… Martin talked to me today… I'm not sure how to feel, he said it's worse because I initiated it. I miss him, I miss cuddles and talking, I miss the lack of tension, I miss being able to love him, even in secret, but Martin keeps saying it's fine, that I made the right choice.

But I feel like it's not the right choice I feel like a screwed up…. I think I did.

Martin is the only other person that knows, me, him, and Dan are the only three people in the world that knows

"Sweetheart?" my mother said knocking on my door.

I sighed opening the door," yes mom?" I asked knowing what was coming.

"Are you okay honey."

"Yeah fine!" I said plastering a smile on my face," why wouldn't I be mom?"

She sighed and walked in my room before sitting on my old bed," We both know why hun," She said changing around her nickname again.

"But I'm fine mom!" he said gesturing upwards with a very false smile.

"Phillip… no you're not," she said gently, and I lost it, the brave face was shattered by my tears

My mom wrapped her arms around me and pet my head," Shhhh, shhh, Shh, it's okay sweat heart," she whispered into my ear. She held me for a while before I calmed down and backed up.

"What happened between you and Dan?"

"What makes you think something happened?"

"I watch your boys' live streams occasionally and you two are depressed, I can tell," She said with a knowing sad smile.

I stared at her surprised and shocked for a minute, before the dam broke and words just flooded from my mouth in a daze, I told her everything. The break up, Dan's parents, how much it hurt me, how much it had hurt him, and how much it had hurt _us_.

She just held me tighter in her arms as she tried to reassure me she tried to say there was nothing I could do but it hurt, one day I may heal but today was not that day.

Later that evening after a long chat with a hot cup of tea some and blankets me and my mom emerged from my teenage bedroom to celebrate holiday with the family. I plastered a smirk onto my face I didn't let them know, it was almost pointless seeing how my brother and mother knew but I didn't want to ruin the occasion for my father or my brother's new girlfriend.

In the end it was worth it, in the end they didn't notice, and for now that was okay because if I could keep others happier it would help me feel better.

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 _200 views, 3 likes, 1 comment._

 _ExistensialGreyLad: :'(_


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